The power of some Pixie dust.

It says most of it.

I'm sincerely sorry.

Obviously oblivious.

Caught off guard indeed.
Surreal? Oh heck yeah.

It didn't feel like it was reality at that moment.
I couldn't think straight.
It was hard process it and it's still hard to fathom it now.

An ounce of regret;
An ounce of unexplained regret.

Oblivion is something we're both good at I guess.

Out of hands.

Even an A- is out of the question.

Gah.

For a split second.

"When your friends have great news, you're happy for them for like a millisecond and then you start thinking about yourself"

- Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother

We are all selfish human beings. Known fact.

And why can't I seem to get a good grade post-SPM?!

Uber frustrating. Self-frustration to the max.

Urgh.

Raise that white flag.

Trying times indeed.
I can't do this.

Drained.

"Lets rearrange, I wish you were a stranger I could disengage"

I cared too much.

I hoped too much.

I used to think I would regret not going, now it's the opposite.

I regret everything.

I chased like a fool, a fool that was only fooling herself it turned out.

The first would hurt, I knew well enough it would.

Well, I didn't expect it to hurt like fuck.

I used to label you blind, it turns out i'm the one who couldn't see it.

It's like my judgement was so clouded by how you were that I neglected the fact that we all have flaws, including you.

I don't blame you, it's more of a self-deprecating phase.

I was so naive, so blunt, so... stupid.

I guess in some ways I should thank you, if it weren't for you I wouldn't have a lesson, a reminder.

Never hope. Never wait. And never care for someone who doesn't give a shit.

And suddenly, I become part of the past

Becoming the part that don't last

I'm losing you and it's effortless.

Over my head| The Fray

"Where do you run to escape from yourself?"

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the failure of a child whose carrying everyone's damn hope of ace-ing every fricken thing in the planet and be on every fricken deans list and go to whatever damn school that pops up at the top of their heads.

Well, folks witness all you want and be disappointed. Frankly, i'm not sure why you'd have this expectations of me in the first place. I don't see myself as smart. And although i'm grateful to have been granted a sponsored education on a tertiary level, I look back at think that boy "I don't really deserve this."

Lackadaisical? I'm not sure.

I've always tried to figure out my talent through out high school. I've observed on how my peers possessed talents they could turn into their possible careers; writing, photography and modelling. And i'm like.. "err, so what do I fall back on if I screw up academically?". Nada. Hence, the reason behind being all kiasu back in high school. I never expected myself to be nerdy or anything, I just felt like I had to for my own sake and not to please the mak ciks or whoever who's being ultra expectant.

I feel like I'm not that kinda person anymore. I just.. I don't know how else I should put this but I feel like I've lost my appetite to do excel academically. It's just.. hard when all of a sudden you become bad at something you're good at. And hell, it's even more of a horrible feeling when everyone knows you for that and expects you to do well.

Ugh. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say from this post but God, I just want to rant. Please, just stop being so expectant of me. Stop all the comparisons. Stop having hopes. Stop setting goals. Instead, support your kid. And when I mean support, don't set me as a damn example (cuz i'm NOT a good one) and start comparing, just please. And one other thing that irks me the most is being labelled 'smart'. Just stop, okay? Stop. Cuz when I let you know how much I screwed up my first semester, you'll finally know all along you shouldn't have called me that in the first place.

"The tension is here,

the tension is here.

Between who you are and who you could be.

Between how it is and how it should be."

Dare You To Move| Switchfoot.

500 (err maybe less) days of you.

Lately I've been a sucker for the film '500 days of Summer". My advice, don't watch it with your Mum who erm, tends to bring up a question about it every 10 minutes. One thing she asked (which was completely spot on) this: he likes her eh? so it's one sided lah? Yea ma, it's bertepuk sebelah tangan.

I'm pretty sure many have identified themselves with Tom Hansen's situation. Admittedly, I did too.

See, the possibilities of that one person reciprocating to the way you feel can be as big as the moon or extremely slim. And then your just living your days riding on hope and wondering what those possibilities are for your part.

There's that tingling nervousness whenever you encounter him/her. Your tummy has probably more knots than you can find in the Queen Mary, your heart's giving you palpitations and your cheeks are going through some sort of blushing disorder. But then that one little chance encounter sets off an exuberance.. the kind that could make your whole day. And if a conversations hits off, you'll replay it over, and over in your head.

You've finally managed to find that little connection, hoping it's positive and that it'll bloom even more. But that connection does not at all mean that he/she feels the same way about you. You begin to think of a kajillion other 'what ifs' like: "What if it wasn't a sign.. what if he's just playing along.." And God, you over think it and it goes on and you start to worry yourself, senselessly.

Part of you is eager to take that risk (unfortunately I wasn't that brave, though I contemplated on doing so) and straight up confront the other person but that concern is always present. A) He/she might be indifferent towards you B) He/she probably will freak out or something towards your little confession C) Your friendship is on the line( cuz it better to just be friends and STILL be connected in some way rather than not having any ties what so ever with that person). If only things worked out like Tom, the girl he felt for did that. Heck, if only you were like Summer Finn and you asked me that.

Just don't start resting on your little "good place" for long. Things can go awry in a second. It may be your fault, or the other party's or neither. Shit happens. It's that simple. And to make it worse, you're pretty much are unable to do anything about it as

it's out of your hands.

"He believed that this time, his expectations would align with reality"

Best. Quote. Ever. from the film (well, for me at least). One of things that I absolutely loathe about the whole "bertepuk sebelah tangan" thing is that we'll tend to hope. Hope, pray and wait. Wait, and wait and when nothing ever seems to happen it sort of hits you a little and you begin to ask yourself: "should I continue chasing and wait for something that's completely uncertain or should I just let go and pray that my feelings could just go away easily". Unfortunately honey, feelings don't go away that easily. If you could only 'unlike' someone similar to how you would 'unlike' a Facebook status. You can try, but boy.. it'll be excruciating. I mean look at Tom, from an "I love us" to "Roses are red, violets are blue, fuck you whore."

There are two outcomes; it may end up being something or it may end up being nothing. Whichever it ended up being, just be thankful you've been blessed for having a person that you considered as 'special' to have entered your life. If it's positive, then Alhamdullilah, cherish all of your moments with him/her regardless of whether it's ups or downs. If it wasn't what you expected, don't fret and as cliche as it seems things happen for a reason, and sometimes it's for the better.