Standstill.

When others progress and you're at the same lousy spot.

If dreams really did reflect our deepest desires,

then I guess mine is to go home.

Record lows.

I can't shake this nagging thought while doing my meteorology notes: I regret this decision.
Of all those times in the past where i've been so spineless, why did I decide to build a backbone for the biggest transition of my life? I'm in dire need of a sense of belonging.

adorkable much.

It's a bad idea to get hooked on a tv show early on the semester. Focus woman, focus!

Disclamer: not my gif

Didn't think it'd come this fast but..

I'm already homesick. A week plus here and i'm already sick of it. I never understood other's hype when I was about to leave for I wasn't excited myself. I thought i'd feel the excitement when I got here but it was just a mere short-lived delirium. I don't know what triggered this grey cloud. Twas probably that Skype call back home where my aunt went "you sound happy" while deep down my voice was hinging on cracking and my soul screamed "nak balik". Or it was probably a Whatsapp message from a friend back home while waiting for the bus to Walmart which read "Don't tell me you're alone" and my reply was that I wasn't alone while in reality I felt hella lonely. Don't get me wrong, I got settled in and I made friends and all but nothing beats a sense of familiarity; nothing beats being at home. I realized how bored and uninspired I've become over my 10 days here. I stopped bringing my camera around wherever I go because I thought to myself "why capture something you're stuck with for the next couple of years?". Squirrels are cute, but all I want to see is the back alley cats when I throw out the trash on Friday nights. And man, how I miss eating warm white rice, talk about bread overload for the past couple of days. 

I'm not trying to get myself stuck in pessimism, but I do ask myself "when will the unfamiliar start to feel familiar?" 

Hi Abah,

I don't think i've been in this position since you passed. A position where i'm about to face such big transitions. Transitions that i'm nowhere near ready to face. Transitions that greet me with fear.

I think I have a month left in Malaysia before going off to a new environment and i'm scared.

I'm scared I can't adapt. I'm scared I can't live up to their academic standards. I'm scared I disappoint people back home. I'm scared I don't even meet my own expectations. I'm scared I won't make friends. I'm scared I can't make Pennsylvania feel like home.

I'm even scared of the little things like buying luggage. I've been adjourning purchasing one because I know everything I want to bring won't fit. I'm scared bantal busyuk doesn't make the cut. I'm scared of having to leave certain things behind. I'm scared i'd be in need of those things. I'm scared of telling people how annoyed I get when they ask me when i'm going to leave or if i'm excited (which i'm not). I'm scared to tell them how I don't want them at the airport because I'd be this emotional wreck listening to them say goodbye. I'd want you there, though.

I'm just scared.

I just had this fight with ma. Heck, I always end up having verbal disagreements with her and what makes me sad is that I can't turn to you after that. I really miss how when I was younger and when me and her would have a spat, I'd go to your room and you'd be like "we don't friend mummy". Gosh, I miss that. I miss how you find humor in the most bitter situations.

I don't know why I just wrote that but I guess this is just me really miss being a father's daughter because end the end of the day I guess that's what describes me the best.

Chill pill.

The recurring worry I have every single night is starting to make me re-think my decision.

"Keraguan telah meracuni diri dalam keresahan ini"

-'Rapuh' by Pesawat

My post-midnight anxieties, exactly.

source

I wish.

Nicest Thing by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something.

Sohai.

As the previous post and this irrelevant title suggests, i'm suffering from writer's block. My brain is in the state of being incapable of stringing flowery sentences. I place full blame on English Composition II and its rigid glory. Therefore, I've resulted to blog like how my 15 year old self on Livejournal would; reporting how everything goes without failing to include some ramblings about something football related and school related (Mariah, you were so lame. Heck, you still are).

Speaking of school, well I've been out of it for nearly a month now and I have two months left before resuming in an entirely new environment without any of my friends; a decision that I unfortunately came to realize and lament this morning.

Post-school, I've been pretty much rotting away at home. When in Telok Pulai, my social life is just non-existent. The most productive thing I've been up to is probably cleaning up my folders. While doing so I came across many final semester memories in the form of assignments. The bad memories: Biology. God. I think I pretty much knew I was gonna botch it so I just kinda accepted my faith and completely understood why that 'C+' is staring right at me on my transcript. Good memories: Theater. Went through the journal (which I finished last minute and had to pull off an all-nighter like the true procrastinator I am) and found this:

And that little excerpt right that made me miss that class. It made me do a little reflection. Theater made me realize that I'm not comfortable in my own skin, which is kinda sad I must say. I guess I'd rather be laughed at when I'm some character compared to being laughed while being Mariah the girl with the fricken Elmo voice ya know?

Anyway, aside from spring (or rather summer) cleaning my folders, I've been caught up in a whirlwind of fiction in the form of books and TV shows. I've finally touched the books I've gotten with this years book voucher. I hate it when I get engrossed it books, it makes me emotionally attached to the characters. Now I don't wanna finish 'em. I've also been flipping through 'Haiku For The Single Girl'. The primary reasons for getting it: 1) I had no idea what else to buy with the voucher 2) I'm a sappy single loser that felt like I could relate to the three-lined poems every alternate page contained. Especially this:

Yea, forgive me. For not having milky fair skin and spontaneous wit and cute-ass cardigans and stuff. Oh well. Speaking of Zooey, I've been spending my insomniac nights catching re-runs of 'New Girl' and 'Suits'. It made me realize those teasing kinda relationship are adorbs! (Man, I really sound like a sappy single shmuck when I typed that out). Which brought me to a line I read in  'Looking For Alaska' by John Green few days back:

"I mean, it's stupid to miss someone you didn't even get along with. But, I don't know, it was nice, you know, having someone you could always fight with"

-Chip

Yup, its nice to have someone like that. Doubt its gonna happen though. Oh, my silly expectations about love.

Moving on. The 2012/2013 footie season has ended. Well for La Liga it ended sometime last week. Matchday 38 made me emotional. I don't know what it was that really got to me. Maybe it was Monti scoring his first ever goal as a first teamer that gave me goosebumps or the fact that a Mexican wave was going around Camp Nou (something I really want to experience) or the fact that I know after this i'll go into some sorta withdrawal syndrome when its off-season. But I guess I was primarily sad to know that it was Abidal's last game. The management's decision of letting him go just seems unjustified to me. I've never seen a player with such dedication to get back to the form he was once in prior to the whole cancer ordeal. And heck, everyone was stoked when he stepped foot on that pitch again. Everyone was just in utter awe. And Rosell couldn't see it now could he? Stewpid, stewpid Rosell.

I'm still pretty bitter about it. It's just... not fricken fair. Anyway, now that it's off-season all these international games are going about and I've decided to invest my time following the Under-21 European Championship supporting Spain, of course since it comprises of our fringies. I love watching Barca fringies in action. They're like little munchkins with so much potential. And they make me feel like a proud mother watching 'em play :') I'm glad they're through to the semis and i'm definitely looking forward to see if they can  make it to the final and win this thing!

I guess my 15 year old self has rambled enough. Back to being the bimbo of a 20 year old I am who's starting to question the maturity of her mentality and whether she's worthy of the title 'scholar'.

Sigh.

Writer's Block.

I Wish I Wrote The Way I Thought

I wish I wrote the way I thought,

Obsessively

Incessantly

With maddening hunger

I'd write to the point of suffocation

I'd write myself into nervous breakdowns

Manuscripts spiraling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing

And i'd write about you a lot more than I should.

By Benedict Smith 

Ya nasties.

Don't think i'll be able to re-live this at PSU:

1) Going to Dave's Deli every month

2) Those hurried runs from Subang Parade to Subang Avenue because you folks have class at 1 p.m

3) Wandering around and oogling at stuff all those snacks/drinks/desserts at Cold Storage

4) Buying those snacks/drinks at Cold Storage only to realize they tasted way below our expectations

5) Going to Subang Parade on my birthday and seeing that dude wearing a top like my sweater and we all went "Bitch stole my look"

6) Sitting in my favorite spot of the library (level 5, in the corner tepi discussion room tu)

7) Doing last minute work together

8) Not to forget, those cholesterol inducing trips to Arisan

9) Those disappointing movies we watched last semester (erm Oz, you sucked)

10) Wendy's!

11) Singing along to whatever song that came up on the car radio 

12) Trying to tolerate each other's fandom; Barca, K-Pop and Taylor Swift

13) That YOLO day we had when we went to have bagels at SS15, watched 'Warm Bodies' at Pyramid and went to Taipan for Nando's where we really embraced the term "bottomless" and ceaselessly refilled diet coke.

14) Going to Genting for the first time with you folks and realizing what a non-daredevil I am unlike you two

15) How refreshing it was to see you guys again after two weeks

I absolutely dread the fact that we're all going separate ways. I honestly can't picture myself being in an environment where we're hours away from each other. Hopefully you guys will come across this someday because I just can't bring myself to tell you guys this in person but i'll really miss you two. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin when we're all together and I just doubt that i'll find that again in the next two years.

Frankly speaking,

I'm terrified of what summer holds,
the pandemonium of completing documents;
the cringing at the thought of all those vaccinations;
the bitter realization that time is going to run out;
and before I know it, it will be the "August of Goodbyes" again.
But what I'm most fearful of is your return and my relapse.

Summer beckons.

It's approaching rather rapidly,

And i'm praying indifference and apathy will overwhelm me.

It's approaching rather rapidly,
And i'm hoping there would be no such encounter.

It's approaching  rather rapidly,
And i'm pleading myself to not backpedal to the way things were.

Yea dude, how on earth could you do that?

source

The dearth of what truly matters.

Honestly, I don't like when people say oh she has it all yada yada yada. Like when I look at you, i'd rather have what you have. I'm ashamed at how i'm attached to what's worldly. I'm taking steps to feel closer and closer but I don't feel anything within. I want to not feel out of place when it comes to that :(

When I do think about it.

Its as ephemeral as a brief downpour that passes through at a quarter to 11 pm,
It comes unexpectedly and it goes without notice,
but most importantly,
it holds no significance,
(which is favorable to me).

Mathematical melancholy.

At the mention of your name,

I couldn't discern the rapid beating in my chest,
Then I thought to myself;
All those shades of pink that colored my cheeks,
those palpitations,
those brief laughs at your dry jokes (which makes you, you my friend),
those sentences and glances we shared that I ended up overly replaying and analyzing, desperately trying to dissect their meanings;
They make such fleeting presence now; if not none at all,
They're piddling.

At the beginning of spring last year,
I was overwhelmed with anticipation.
Come early fall,
I was recovering from the juvenile and venomous game of mixed signals we unfortunately played.

At the beginning of spring this year,
I came to notice how settled you were. 
"Kudos for you," I thought.
It took me awhile to realize I had no negative remarks for you,
A first; since the whole thing went sour.

I asked myself "is this what moving on feels like? Is this what ceasing to look back feels like?"
Because it feels good. It's pure liberation.

I'm no longer that girl who spent the whole of last winter licking her wounds only to find them re-open during summer,
I'm no longer that girl who yearns for time to rewind to the days with you, as minute as they were,
Not anymore.

Letting go took longer than I thought, but I'm glad I finally got to it. Alhamdullilah.

As for you, in my life you'd always stamp your mark as my first love.

Always; as indifferent as we are to each other now.

I always thought first loves are beautiful, and the fact that my heart honored you with such a position was more than I could I ask for.

No one before made me want to let my walls come down willingly; you did.
No one before made me want to take a leap of faith despite the uncertain consequences that were going to transpire; you did.

No one before managed to evoke such rawness in the way I felt; you did.

No one before made me feel like I was drifting in such a strong current yet I loved every second of it, desperately wanting it to drown me into the deep end; you did.

No one.

You made me acknowledge how it felt to fall  and feel strongly for another. So, thank you.

"Once you start moving on, He eases the pain in your heart."

-Yasmin Mogahed.

The ruin I've made.

"Love blurs your vision, but after it recedes you can see more clearly than ever. It's like a tide going out, revealing whatever's been thrown away and sunk: broken bottles, old gloves, rusting pop cans, nibbled fish bodies, bones. This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes, not knowing the future. The ruin you've made."

-Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood.

A severe case of wanderlust.

Live match wanderlust that is. I think it's been a year plus since I last went to a live game. Ever since the whole pre-season tour buzz broke out, I just want to quench this thirst of going to the stadium and sit there for 90 minutes while periodically doing fist pumps after goals are scored or mentally cussing some player for his missed pass. 

I often envy those season ticket holders. To do mexican waves and hold part of the mosaic and have my confetti get stuck in my hair (which i'd probably take out and then place it in my purse because i'm a memory hoarder level: 989378931). To walk towards the entrance of the stadium, tummy in knots and goosebumps spreading on my warms. To hear it erupt and roar when goals are scored. Whatever feeling that a live match could render.. Gosh, I want. So. Bad. Right. Now.

P.S: I know I shouldn't be feeling overly stoke about pre-season but man I can't help it (which is probably a bad thing because I know what happens when I get my hopes up). I really hope it takes place and I'm desperately hoping that I'll find my way there with zero glitches.

.

It was as if the rain was obliging to the solemn news I received from the other end. It was hard to shake off such a thing. It came out and clouded my mind, relentless. At that moment, whatever degree that connected us didn't matter.

I tried to stifle it but every bit of hasty desperation trying to hush my thoughts were no more than a mere floundered attempt. I couldn't care less about how monomers are hydrolyzed or what happens to the molecule structure of glyceride once is dehydrated. I was solely fixated on the news I got.

I can never fully grasp things like that, even though I've had a similar account happen to me.

I can never find the words, or rather find the courage to provide solace. Because i'd be a first-class hypocrite if I said "stay strong".

I can never see the end to grieving but I can assure you that you'll see the silver lining that'll come out of it.

Al-fatihah.

Easiest to ask, toughest to answer.

The inquiry used to break the ice often results in the infamous white lie: "I'm fine."

Indirectly directed.

Well, it didn't go unnoticed to me.

I rubbished it at 3 a.m, purposely turning a blind eye,

But the funny thing about it was, it was every little thing I wanted to just scream to you.

...And that was perhaps the only matter we'd agree on when it came to this mess.

for you.

"I want to swim away but don't know how."

"I'm sinking to the bottom of everything that freaks me out."

9/365.

I'm having an awfully rough time trying to believe in myself.

And i'm sick and tired of perpetually feeling this way.