500 (err maybe less) days of you.

Lately I've been a sucker for the film '500 days of Summer". My advice, don't watch it with your Mum who erm, tends to bring up a question about it every 10 minutes. One thing she asked (which was completely spot on) this: he likes her eh? so it's one sided lah? Yea ma, it's bertepuk sebelah tangan.

I'm pretty sure many have identified themselves with Tom Hansen's situation. Admittedly, I did too.

See, the possibilities of that one person reciprocating to the way you feel can be as big as the moon or extremely slim. And then your just living your days riding on hope and wondering what those possibilities are for your part.

There's that tingling nervousness whenever you encounter him/her. Your tummy has probably more knots than you can find in the Queen Mary, your heart's giving you palpitations and your cheeks are going through some sort of blushing disorder. But then that one little chance encounter sets off an exuberance.. the kind that could make your whole day. And if a conversations hits off, you'll replay it over, and over in your head.

You've finally managed to find that little connection, hoping it's positive and that it'll bloom even more. But that connection does not at all mean that he/she feels the same way about you. You begin to think of a kajillion other 'what ifs' like: "What if it wasn't a sign.. what if he's just playing along.." And God, you over think it and it goes on and you start to worry yourself, senselessly.

Part of you is eager to take that risk (unfortunately I wasn't that brave, though I contemplated on doing so) and straight up confront the other person but that concern is always present. A) He/she might be indifferent towards you B) He/she probably will freak out or something towards your little confession C) Your friendship is on the line( cuz it better to just be friends and STILL be connected in some way rather than not having any ties what so ever with that person). If only things worked out like Tom, the girl he felt for did that. Heck, if only you were like Summer Finn and you asked me that.

Just don't start resting on your little "good place" for long. Things can go awry in a second. It may be your fault, or the other party's or neither. Shit happens. It's that simple. And to make it worse, you're pretty much are unable to do anything about it as

it's out of your hands.

"He believed that this time, his expectations would align with reality"

Best. Quote. Ever. from the film (well, for me at least). One of things that I absolutely loathe about the whole "bertepuk sebelah tangan" thing is that we'll tend to hope. Hope, pray and wait. Wait, and wait and when nothing ever seems to happen it sort of hits you a little and you begin to ask yourself: "should I continue chasing and wait for something that's completely uncertain or should I just let go and pray that my feelings could just go away easily". Unfortunately honey, feelings don't go away that easily. If you could only 'unlike' someone similar to how you would 'unlike' a Facebook status. You can try, but boy.. it'll be excruciating. I mean look at Tom, from an "I love us" to "Roses are red, violets are blue, fuck you whore."

There are two outcomes; it may end up being something or it may end up being nothing. Whichever it ended up being, just be thankful you've been blessed for having a person that you considered as 'special' to have entered your life. If it's positive, then Alhamdullilah, cherish all of your moments with him/her regardless of whether it's ups or downs. If it wasn't what you expected, don't fret and as cliche as it seems things happen for a reason, and sometimes it's for the better.

If tomorrow never comes.

Aaaahh, the power of an 'if' never fails to make one think twice about things and perhaps cause regret.

The idea of this post came about a few days back when a Twitter user tweeted he was listening to Ronan Keating's 'If Tomorrow Never Comes'. And unfortunately the next, as heart-wrenching as it is, a car accident robbed his tomorrow.

I may not know him personally, but that event really got to me.

I started to ask myself this one question: What if tomorrow really never came?

Have I done enough as a Muslim? No.

Have I done enough as a daughter? No.

Have I done enough as a friend? No.

Do we ever do enough in anything anyway?

What if tomorrow really never came?

Would I've said what I wanted to say to you? No.

Would you know how I felt about you? No.

Would I know how you felt about me? No.

All those questions just makes me wanna rewind. Rewind and make things right (as lame and as cliche as it sounds), just to top-up for whatever that's lacking and take risks instead of thinking of what would've been.

As much as I am be consumed by the fear of dying and the uncertainty that surrounds it, but one thing's for sure, I'll make up for everything that I lack here in the here after and as for you dear, insya Allah we'll be united there.

Snap back to reality.

Unfortunately.

This was what life was:
Thank you, to whoever made that pie chart on tumblr (: It's downright precise. The exact symbol of my laziness for the past seven months.

Time to relinquish every ounce of semblance I had.

Handing in that imaginary WAG membership and resolving all those fangirl issues of mine.

This is what life is gonna be:

As much as I don't want to, I have to.

College.

Great, just great.

"Success is the only motherfucking option
Failure's not."
Lose Yourself|Eminem

68

That's what would've been, 68 today. But no, cancer robbed it.

“Cancer chose the wrong guy”

-Shia LaBeouf.

And although his referring to his Wall Street co-star Michael Douglas, that quote replays in my head almost everyday.

Its just plain cruel. Ruthless.

Or am I just being selfish? Because I want things, many things.

But fuck no. The first rule in economics says it all: our wants always exceed our means.

I wanted you to be there at the turning point of my life, but no. The turning point of my life just had to be November 1st, 2007.

You constantly said “doing homework alone is not studying”, hoping it would be drummed into my head, but my unbending self didn't absorb it. I was stubborn, super head-strong that I 'll tell a mule to eat its heart out.

I was foolish. Rash.

Eventually it became my mantra.

Too late.

And I kick myself about it all the time. You should know how sorry I am. This remorse, never left me.

“I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself” -Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional.

And I wish you could see it too.

Wish you were the one that would text me wishing me good luck for every exam.
Wish you were the one who took me to my first game.
Wish you were the one calling me to the kitchen to lick out the last bit of chocolate cake batter.
Wish you were the one I hold hands with while I cross the road.
Wish you were the one I stayed up for the World Cup with.
Wish you were the one I turned to about a math problem.
Wish you were the one congratulating me about my achievements.
Wish you were the one yelling not to munch my bantal busuk.
Wish you were the one behind the lens for graduation and half-colours.
Wish you were the one settling all my things for college.
Wish you were the one who gives me the consent to drive.
Wish you were the one possibly walking me down the aisle someday.
Wish you were the one seeing me in a mortar board, with a degree in hand, smiling ear-to-ear.

Just wish you were here.

Transitions and milestones seem meaningless at times.
Hold my hand through life, that's the only thing I want.
Happy birthday.

Relocate.

Welcome.

So yea, I ditched LJ. Por que?

• the comments made for my post are actually spam. Boohoo.
• its getting getting old. I mean, like I had it since 2007. Fresh start.
• kinda lonely there. Solo.
• I don't wanna be stuck with that URL forever. Grow up.