Same shit, different semester.

I'm fearful last Fall repeats itself.

It's lucid that you're disappointed, though you don't verbally manifest it.

You manage successfully conceal it, offering me consolation.

It's terrible enough that i'm in a quandary regarding this, but now i'm just paralyzed by this overwhelming sense of fear.

This too shall pass.

I hope.

I hate it when i'm being difficult to others and to myself.

Falter.

I fail to comprehend how I can be strong for others but break down so easily when I face my own issues.

It's funny how the smallest things intimidate me. Like yesterday when I was searching for a my high school report card. I realized I had dispose it last year thinking it won't bring me anymore benefit. I do need it for uni applications since this one school i'm applying to needs a transcript for all the years I spent in high school. I wasn't frantic or anything. I just sat in front of my shelf and wept, reflecting on my chances on getting in. Those I know personally are really just brilliant individuals in both academically and non-academically. And yup, I find it intimidating. It's amazing to see how people are so sure of what they want and here I am forever in doubt.

Even homework intimidates me, especially accounting II. It's like shit got real, seriously.

I honestly don't know why i'm writing this. I guess I just didn't expect myself to breakdown so early on.

Give me strength, Ya Allah.

It was the way you spoke.

I know we meet people in our lives for a reason. Though for you, I wonder why we had to cross paths. Why is it that your presence in my life has to be so brief, so... inconsistent? Months have passed and I can fathom that there's no mutual significance between us, it's just I wonder why the feeling  hasn't evade. It's silly how I subconsciously thought it'll fall into place last time around. I learnt my lesson and yet i'm still hopelessly hoping.

Come home, i'll try to make it right this time.

"I tried so hard to let you go,

But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole."
Madness|Muse

Decisions.

"... making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision"

- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

It's application season and I've finally started first step of getting myself abroad to get that fricken degree already. Thankful to have overcome the vacillation in choosing where to go to, I just hope i'm making the right decision. It's a daunting process, and i'm filled with fear of not getting accepted.

I've never wanted my dad to be here and hold my hand through things so badly 'til now.

Rusty.

I find it so easy to believe in others yet so difficult to believe in myself. POR QUE?!