Chill pill.

The recurring worry I have every single night is starting to make me re-think my decision.

"Keraguan telah meracuni diri dalam keresahan ini"

-'Rapuh' by Pesawat

My post-midnight anxieties, exactly.

source

I wish.

Nicest Thing by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something.

Sohai.

As the previous post and this irrelevant title suggests, i'm suffering from writer's block. My brain is in the state of being incapable of stringing flowery sentences. I place full blame on English Composition II and its rigid glory. Therefore, I've resulted to blog like how my 15 year old self on Livejournal would; reporting how everything goes without failing to include some ramblings about something football related and school related (Mariah, you were so lame. Heck, you still are).

Speaking of school, well I've been out of it for nearly a month now and I have two months left before resuming in an entirely new environment without any of my friends; a decision that I unfortunately came to realize and lament this morning.

Post-school, I've been pretty much rotting away at home. When in Telok Pulai, my social life is just non-existent. The most productive thing I've been up to is probably cleaning up my folders. While doing so I came across many final semester memories in the form of assignments. The bad memories: Biology. God. I think I pretty much knew I was gonna botch it so I just kinda accepted my faith and completely understood why that 'C+' is staring right at me on my transcript. Good memories: Theater. Went through the journal (which I finished last minute and had to pull off an all-nighter like the true procrastinator I am) and found this:

And that little excerpt right that made me miss that class. It made me do a little reflection. Theater made me realize that I'm not comfortable in my own skin, which is kinda sad I must say. I guess I'd rather be laughed at when I'm some character compared to being laughed while being Mariah the girl with the fricken Elmo voice ya know?

Anyway, aside from spring (or rather summer) cleaning my folders, I've been caught up in a whirlwind of fiction in the form of books and TV shows. I've finally touched the books I've gotten with this years book voucher. I hate it when I get engrossed it books, it makes me emotionally attached to the characters. Now I don't wanna finish 'em. I've also been flipping through 'Haiku For The Single Girl'. The primary reasons for getting it: 1) I had no idea what else to buy with the voucher 2) I'm a sappy single loser that felt like I could relate to the three-lined poems every alternate page contained. Especially this:

Yea, forgive me. For not having milky fair skin and spontaneous wit and cute-ass cardigans and stuff. Oh well. Speaking of Zooey, I've been spending my insomniac nights catching re-runs of 'New Girl' and 'Suits'. It made me realize those teasing kinda relationship are adorbs! (Man, I really sound like a sappy single shmuck when I typed that out). Which brought me to a line I read in  'Looking For Alaska' by John Green few days back:

"I mean, it's stupid to miss someone you didn't even get along with. But, I don't know, it was nice, you know, having someone you could always fight with"

-Chip

Yup, its nice to have someone like that. Doubt its gonna happen though. Oh, my silly expectations about love.

Moving on. The 2012/2013 footie season has ended. Well for La Liga it ended sometime last week. Matchday 38 made me emotional. I don't know what it was that really got to me. Maybe it was Monti scoring his first ever goal as a first teamer that gave me goosebumps or the fact that a Mexican wave was going around Camp Nou (something I really want to experience) or the fact that I know after this i'll go into some sorta withdrawal syndrome when its off-season. But I guess I was primarily sad to know that it was Abidal's last game. The management's decision of letting him go just seems unjustified to me. I've never seen a player with such dedication to get back to the form he was once in prior to the whole cancer ordeal. And heck, everyone was stoked when he stepped foot on that pitch again. Everyone was just in utter awe. And Rosell couldn't see it now could he? Stewpid, stewpid Rosell.

I'm still pretty bitter about it. It's just... not fricken fair. Anyway, now that it's off-season all these international games are going about and I've decided to invest my time following the Under-21 European Championship supporting Spain, of course since it comprises of our fringies. I love watching Barca fringies in action. They're like little munchkins with so much potential. And they make me feel like a proud mother watching 'em play :') I'm glad they're through to the semis and i'm definitely looking forward to see if they can  make it to the final and win this thing!

I guess my 15 year old self has rambled enough. Back to being the bimbo of a 20 year old I am who's starting to question the maturity of her mentality and whether she's worthy of the title 'scholar'.

Sigh.

Writer's Block.

I Wish I Wrote The Way I Thought

I wish I wrote the way I thought,

Obsessively

Incessantly

With maddening hunger

I'd write to the point of suffocation

I'd write myself into nervous breakdowns

Manuscripts spiraling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing

And i'd write about you a lot more than I should.

By Benedict Smith 

Ya nasties.

Don't think i'll be able to re-live this at PSU:

1) Going to Dave's Deli every month

2) Those hurried runs from Subang Parade to Subang Avenue because you folks have class at 1 p.m

3) Wandering around and oogling at stuff all those snacks/drinks/desserts at Cold Storage

4) Buying those snacks/drinks at Cold Storage only to realize they tasted way below our expectations

5) Going to Subang Parade on my birthday and seeing that dude wearing a top like my sweater and we all went "Bitch stole my look"

6) Sitting in my favorite spot of the library (level 5, in the corner tepi discussion room tu)

7) Doing last minute work together

8) Not to forget, those cholesterol inducing trips to Arisan

9) Those disappointing movies we watched last semester (erm Oz, you sucked)

10) Wendy's!

11) Singing along to whatever song that came up on the car radio 

12) Trying to tolerate each other's fandom; Barca, K-Pop and Taylor Swift

13) That YOLO day we had when we went to have bagels at SS15, watched 'Warm Bodies' at Pyramid and went to Taipan for Nando's where we really embraced the term "bottomless" and ceaselessly refilled diet coke.

14) Going to Genting for the first time with you folks and realizing what a non-daredevil I am unlike you two

15) How refreshing it was to see you guys again after two weeks

I absolutely dread the fact that we're all going separate ways. I honestly can't picture myself being in an environment where we're hours away from each other. Hopefully you guys will come across this someday because I just can't bring myself to tell you guys this in person but i'll really miss you two. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin when we're all together and I just doubt that i'll find that again in the next two years.