Standstill.

When others progress and you're at the same lousy spot.

If dreams really did reflect our deepest desires,

then I guess mine is to go home.

Record lows.

I can't shake this nagging thought while doing my meteorology notes: I regret this decision.
Of all those times in the past where i've been so spineless, why did I decide to build a backbone for the biggest transition of my life? I'm in dire need of a sense of belonging.

adorkable much.

It's a bad idea to get hooked on a tv show early on the semester. Focus woman, focus!

Disclamer: not my gif

Didn't think it'd come this fast but..

I'm already homesick. A week plus here and i'm already sick of it. I never understood other's hype when I was about to leave for I wasn't excited myself. I thought i'd feel the excitement when I got here but it was just a mere short-lived delirium. I don't know what triggered this grey cloud. Twas probably that Skype call back home where my aunt went "you sound happy" while deep down my voice was hinging on cracking and my soul screamed "nak balik". Or it was probably a Whatsapp message from a friend back home while waiting for the bus to Walmart which read "Don't tell me you're alone" and my reply was that I wasn't alone while in reality I felt hella lonely. Don't get me wrong, I got settled in and I made friends and all but nothing beats a sense of familiarity; nothing beats being at home. I realized how bored and uninspired I've become over my 10 days here. I stopped bringing my camera around wherever I go because I thought to myself "why capture something you're stuck with for the next couple of years?". Squirrels are cute, but all I want to see is the back alley cats when I throw out the trash on Friday nights. And man, how I miss eating warm white rice, talk about bread overload for the past couple of days. 

I'm not trying to get myself stuck in pessimism, but I do ask myself "when will the unfamiliar start to feel familiar?" 

Hi Abah,

I don't think i've been in this position since you passed. A position where i'm about to face such big transitions. Transitions that i'm nowhere near ready to face. Transitions that greet me with fear.

I think I have a month left in Malaysia before going off to a new environment and i'm scared.

I'm scared I can't adapt. I'm scared I can't live up to their academic standards. I'm scared I disappoint people back home. I'm scared I don't even meet my own expectations. I'm scared I won't make friends. I'm scared I can't make Pennsylvania feel like home.

I'm even scared of the little things like buying luggage. I've been adjourning purchasing one because I know everything I want to bring won't fit. I'm scared bantal busyuk doesn't make the cut. I'm scared of having to leave certain things behind. I'm scared i'd be in need of those things. I'm scared of telling people how annoyed I get when they ask me when i'm going to leave or if i'm excited (which i'm not). I'm scared to tell them how I don't want them at the airport because I'd be this emotional wreck listening to them say goodbye. I'd want you there, though.

I'm just scared.

I just had this fight with ma. Heck, I always end up having verbal disagreements with her and what makes me sad is that I can't turn to you after that. I really miss how when I was younger and when me and her would have a spat, I'd go to your room and you'd be like "we don't friend mummy". Gosh, I miss that. I miss how you find humor in the most bitter situations.

I don't know why I just wrote that but I guess this is just me really miss being a father's daughter because end the end of the day I guess that's what describes me the best.

Chill pill.

The recurring worry I have every single night is starting to make me re-think my decision.

"Keraguan telah meracuni diri dalam keresahan ini"

-'Rapuh' by Pesawat

My post-midnight anxieties, exactly.

source

I wish.

Nicest Thing by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something.